THE BACHELOR DIET: TALES OF LOVE LOST AND SANDWICHES FOUND
Random House has snared a surefire winner in Tonight Show host Artie Grein’s newest venture, a collection of essays and recipes described as “a hybrid between a cookbook and a memoir” entitled “The Bachelor Diet: Tales of Love Lost and Sandwiches Found.”
The publishing company signed Grein after a brief bidding war on Saturday evening, reportedly to the tune of 6 million dollars.
A release is tentatively scheduled for fall of 2016.
Representatives for Grein and Random House have declined further comment.
from the recorder's instagram: “artie grein showed up at my local watering hole just before last call yesterday night. he was smashed from the get go, i mistook his staggering for a bit at first. the bartender told him he couldn’t serve him and offered him a water instead, he accepted, and sat down alone at the bar. i was watching the whole time, i'd never been that close to anyone famous before. a few people wandered over for selfies. he was polite and gracious. about five minutes after his arrival, he started singing to himself. it took less than ten seconds for the people around to surround him and start singing along. i had to start recording, it was all too strange. he went through the whole song, tipped his hat to us, and left. this morning i sold the footage to tmz. probably one of the top five weirdest things i’ve ever seen happen in the city, but hell if it wasn’t a load of fun.”
ask artie: 6/16/2015 transcript
“hey guys, um, it’s been a long time since we did one of these… when we started, we had, i think a million subscribers. now we’re at, what is it? almost eight million now, so that’s really exciting. i know my face and my voice don’t say excited, but my heart says it. i’m really, really… i haven’t really been… whatever, so first of all, i’m sorry. for that. for my face and my situation right now. we’re busy here at the tonight show. busy bees. i locked myself in my office for this, so we’re having a private moment together. but uh, i’m excited! i’m excited to answer some questions, so let’s do that.
first question, ‘do you still get nervous before the curtain opens?’ right, so, good question. great question. um… do i get nervous, yeah. i think if there’s ever a point where you’re not nervous, that’s more of a problem. because i think when i’m nervous, i know i really, really care about what’s going to happen once the curtain opens, and i want to work really hard to… um, win the audience over. yeah. so like, ballsy drama students who quit feeling nervous in the 9th grade, get a clue. right? get a clue. that taste of vomit in the back of your throat is priceless.
next, um… ‘what were you like in high school?’ i was… like this? but fatter? i was a husky kid. i thought about going to my 20th reunion in a fat suit just so people would recognize me, but that seemed disrespectful… to like, gwyneth paltrow. remember that movie? shallow hal? yeesh. what a struggle for her.
two more, okay? we can do two more. um, let’s go with… oh, i like this one, people ask me this one on twitter sometimes. ‘would you ever consider going on another comedy tour?’ well, i would like to, but i get… well, i get a week off every five weeks, and a couple weeks in the summer, and i just don’t… i physically can’t tour. at this present point in time. i think maybe once i get fired from the tonight show, i’ll do a tour of cardboard boxes across america, and i hope everyone comes out to see me and throw some pennies in my cup.
last one. oh, this one’s kind of heavy. ‘how do you deal with self doubt?’ this one’s from jessie in missouri. okay, well, hi jessie. i’m going to guess you’re asking me this because you’re experiencing it, so… i think it’s important to uh, acknowledge that what you’re feeling is common. it’s a shared experience. i still feel it. i felt it ten seconds ago when i thought about those cardboard boxes. people usually say like, pick yourself up, get back on the horse, but i’ve had times where it was like… what horse? where is the horse for me to get back on, the horse is so far away that i can’t even see a flowing mane in the distance, the horse is glue. it’s easy to feel stuck in that, stuck in your own failures, but you have to try again, you just have to. i try to give myself a time limit on stuff, like, i say… well i can feel really bad or mad or sad this weekend, i have two days, and on monday i try again. i pick myself up and i go to the store and i buy some elmer’s glue and i get back on that glue horse. because i have to, because you have to. jessie, seriously. there’s no trick. there’s always going to be that sucky voice inside your head going ‘you suck, you suck, this is awful, you’re not funny’ and you just need to tell it to shut the fuck up. that’s how i deal with it, and i hope it helped you a little.
and, um, that’s it. thank you guys. we have some fun stuff coming up on the show tonight, so uh… check it out. and i’m going to go take a shower, because i smell like lemon starbursts and regret. tmi? tmi. [speaking to someone off screen] i don’t know how to turn this off. are you going to? okay, let me say goodbye again. bye guys! i love you all, watch tonight and send me your beautiful energy and… okay, bye. bye!”
It’s not a luncheon for Freinds, it’s for those who had tickets to attend his monologue rehearsal on Friday, at which he did not appear. People seemed aggravated about it on social media, which I understand as someone who’s attended his rehearsals before, I would’ve been very upset if he hadn’t shown up. You have to arrive an hour beforehand, all in all it would’ve felt like a huge waste of time to go through that, only to see a writer in his place.
Remember, Artie is the only late night host who opens his rehearsals to the public, and he’s trying to make this situation right. As far as I know, it’s the first time he’s failed to attend a rehearsal, and he seemed a little out of sorts on that night’s show so I think we Freinds should be forgiving. :)
AG: This was the first scene we shot! I was so excited to just be on set, and then to see Bianca all dressed up, there was something really magical about it.
CG: You weren’t nervous at all that day, which surprised me, because when we met you were very…
AG: Skittish. I was skittish, because I was being judged, and I felt like you were giving my mustache the eye. [both laugh] But no, I know what you mean. I remember telling my assistant after, “Craig must think I have a mental condition,” because you tried to shake my hand and I just kind of let my hand rest really gently in your hand instead, like a dead fish, and you were looking at me like, “What is this idiot doing? This is our star?”
CG: I was thinking, if he’s too nervous to shake my hand, how is this kid going to survive on set? That first day, I was worried, but you really impressed me.
AG: I just wanted you to treat me like a Victorian gentlewoman before I gave you all of me.
Lars & the Real Girl DVD commentary with Artie Grein & Craig Gillepsie
