Guess who showed up to open mic night at EastVille in NYC? Art Grein and Elle Brandston! ELLE FREAKING BRANDSTON.

I've been going to EastVille with my boyfriend for about a year now, and this is the first time we've ever seen celebrities show up. We heard whispers when we first arrived that someone "big" was coming, ngl I was hoping for Dave Chappelle or Jim Gaffigan, but I was willing to settle when I saw Art and Elle. They both seemed pretty liquored up when they first showed up and the manager made a beeline for them. I think originally they were just there to watch. It was pretty obvious he was trying to convince them into going on judging by the way he kept talking at them and they kept shaking their heads no - something else I noticed was that Art Grein is a huge attention whore. Elle sat down in a chair like a normal person, but Art climbed onto the table and sat cross legged on it and kept leaning super close toward the manager to talk... which he also did to me later on, but more on that in a minute.

Something seemed off from the beginning, but Elle went up there to introduce Art and we all cheered because CELEBRITIES, even though I was disappointed she wasn't doing a set of her own.

Art came up holding a glass of something, introduced himself (which was cute) and pretty much got into it straight away. Overall, he wasn't very funny, but there was something really friendly about him that made him seem pretty likeable. It sounds silly, but you really had to be there. Half his set I recorded so I'll try to summarize from that and memory.

THE WRECKONING The first thing he said was, "Raise your hands if you've been looking at photos from The Wreckoning." 99% of the people in the room raised their hands, and he immediately started picking on this guy in the front row, I'll transcribe the rest. "If I told you that your mom took nude photos for your dad, and I was going to jerk off to them, would that bum you out? Man, that would bum me out. That's the problem with being raised by a person with, like, morals. They inflict their morals on you. There was maybe a period between age nine and thirteen where I would've gone ape on a hacktastrophe! I would've gone to town! But after thirteen, no way. Suddenly I was like, ugh, I have to respect people. Ugh, stolen photos, that's gross. Mr. Rogers wouldn't want me to be that person. I'm not trying to get on your back, man! You can look at whatever you want to look at, this is America, we love grotesque violations of privacy here... like as long as the government isn't involved. Right? They're a game changer. That guy, that guy's going to end up living in the Kazakhstan embassy wishing he'd kept Biden's nudes to himself."

PROM KING COMEDY "Somebody, a writer, said that I do "prom king comedy"... (long silence) He meant it as an insult, but I actually was voted prom king back in high school, so that's an accurate description. Sometimes I wonder... somebody told me once, Artie, the funnier people are, the more miserable they are. That must be why you're so happy all the time."

ELLE BRANDSTON "My best friend Elle is here... I have such a ten year old mentality about her, because she's so great, and I always want people to know she's around. We'll go to a party and separate as soon as we get there and announcing her presence is still the first thing I do no matter who I'm meeting or what I'm talking about. It's always, 'Hi, I'm Art, did you know Elle Brandston is here? It's a pleasure to meet you, Mr. President, but let's talk about someone else who is very important and very present right now and if you ask nicely then she might do her Sarah Palin impression for you.'"

AGING "I'm at that point in my life where I'm very aware that I've destroyed my mother's dreams. She's stopped asking me about marriage and kids, now she's just like (hopeful tone) 'Arthur? Have you... have you thought some more about adopting another dog? No? Well... okay... let me know when you're ready for fatherhood. I'm so excited to have a granddog... I think...' It's just over, it's over! It probably doesn't help that whenever I go on a date, I kind of lean over the table and go, 'Hi, did you know Elle Brandston will be here in ten minutes? Don't worry, she won't speak. She's my comfort object.' It's not even her presence that upsets them, it's that I called her a comfort object. An object! They go all high pitched, 'An object? I thought you were a feminist! She's your comfort human being, you fucking pig! I hope you die!' Like, oh my God, really? I hope I die too! I hope that all the time, we have something in common, we're doing so great! We're a match!"

At this point, he kind of stopped and I realized that he realized I was recording. I thought I was being stealthy, but I think I was too close to the stage to go unnoticed the whole time. This was when he got off stage, climbed onto my table, like he was kneeling in front of my boyfriend and I but on the table, and in a very casual way went, "It's very nice to meet you, can you please stop doing that now?" It was as awkward and weird as it sounds. Everyone was pretty much gawking, but my boyfriend tells me I nodded yes (I don't remember doing this, but I must have) and put my phone away. He laughed and climbed right off the table and went back to the stage. I'M SO MAD I DIDN'T GET FOOTAGE OF THIS, but he closed the night with History of Rap. Sadly no Timberlake cameo, and the only accompaniment was a local guy on an acoustic guitar (not great) but still, funny as hell. Probably got the most laughs of the night.

Overall, it was a good night. He got some laughs, he was polite, and he stayed after to take photos with everyone. At no point was he heckled, which surprised me, although my boyfriend said it would be like "heckling a puppy" and I kind of get that. He was a solid 6/10, would see him for free again. If I had to pay for more than a few drinks, Idk, maybe not.